Monday 4 May 2015

Write, write, write and discover...

Since my last post, even more has changed.

Having tried and failed at a couple of jobs which didn't suit me at all (but I tried so I didn't really fail, and that's how I'm choosing to look at it), I finally landed a role working at WHSmith. And when I'm not helping to man the tills, most of my day involves sorting through the books department. That's right, books! I'm about to go into my fourth week there, and though it's been a challenge, I'm really starting to enjoy it. Being around books and feeling productive and connecting with people again has been really helpful in getting my mind back to a place where I can see a clearer picture for myself moving forward.

The past few months haven't been easy on me. It's been hard. The job search seemed long and brutal, and I went to so many interviews before I got to where I am now. It really knocked my confidence. On top of that, I've been trying to come to terms with the absence of someone who made a significant impact on my life at the end of last year. That's probably been the most difficult thing, trying to deal with having my heart broken and trying my best to move on from it.

But it's true when they say that the challenging times really do give you an opportunity to reassess yourself and what you want from your life. I know that I have never felt so motivated and determined to improve myself and to push harder to reach my goals. Before all this, I used to just stop when things got tough, but now I use it all as motivation. As a driving force. I've become addicted to seeing results.

I've continued going to the gym and eating better, and I have lost 22lbs since the start of the year. I look and feel healthier than I have in years, which I am so proud of. WHSmith's book department was not really a goal. Not a direct one, anyway. My goal, at the start of the year, was to get a full-time office job and move out of my parent's house, and try to leave the memory of this person behind me. I tried the office thing but it didn't work out. So I looked elsewhere, fell into WHSmith and, somehow, books reentered my life. The pay isn't wonderful so there'll be no moving out yet, but my hours enable me to spend more time reading, writing, exercising, and growing on a more personal level.

Working there has just been so unexpectedly inspiring. Last week, as I was unloading some crates filled with various paperbacks, I came across a particular book called The Knife of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness. I suppose it was the title that grabbed me, along with the clever cover design (I love the hidden scribbles). And you know what? I feel like it was calling me, because it's the first book I haven't been able to put down in months. Months! I haven't finished it yet, but you can certainly expect a review to pop up here as soon as I have.

So I think it's fair to say that a flame has been lit within me once more. My hunger for books, for reading, and for writing has reappeared. All because of these unexpected twists which my life has taken the last few months. Just like a good story, I suppose. A story I want to write.

Gilmore Girls has been a big presence in my life the past few
months, too. Hopefully the Lorelai's smarts are
rubbing off on me!
This means that I am back, and I have decided to keep this blog going but continue making changes to its content. I'm going to be a lot more open with my posts from now on. There will certainly be a more personal element to them, but I'll also be reviewing and covering other book related topics. As I'm no longer an English Literature student, you might find that my reviews might be a little more disorderly and a little less formal. In other words, I'm going to try to think less about how I write and just let whatever comes out of my head and my heart translate onto the page. I think that's really what it's all about, all this writing. This art. You should never censor your self expression. And from now on, I'm going to try my best to do that. Just let it flow and see where it takes me.

I'm riding the wave. I'll continue getting better, I'll learn to let go, and I'll learn to move forward with what matters and leave the rest behind. To quote the title of a novel written by my favourite Gilmore Girl, Lauren Graham: Someday, someday, maybe.